BLOODY GOOD
The Show Can Have Fun
I take back every negative thing I ever thought about the Amnesia Eric plotline. Even if it goes south, as it almost inevitably will, it’s been a lot of fun so far. Not only has it brought out the best in Sookie, it has allowed for the show to not focus on everything being serious business all the time. I mean, not everything has to be over dramatic problems! Sometimes characters can be drunk and challenge gators to fight and where gym shorts that crack me up and it’s fine. -Z

[I concur. I almost wish Eric would stay amnesiac forever, but we know that won't happen. I'm hoping when Eric does finally get his memory back that maybe Amnesiac Eric's quirks will sort of be incorporated into Eric 3.0's personality. Maybe nuEric will realize that basketball shorts are really comfortable and keep right on wearing them -D]

Witches!
I’m actually enjoying the witch plotline. Anything that gives Lafayette and Tara a compelling storyline (even if Jesus is settling too much into “blah support system boyfriend” mode) and Fiona Shaw does a good job as Marnie (and as “Marnie possessed by that other scary witch lady”). Who knew? This show can introduce new, interesting characters! -D

Sookie and Bill: Better Apart
We all suspected, but never have confirmed, that breaking up would be the best way to make these two tolerable together. For one, it’s gotten their screen time together down considerably. For another, it makes the more like individual characters and less like a horrible, dull monster called Sookill. Or whatever the shipper name is. Plus, the scene where Sookie lies to Bill features some really fine acting from everyone. You see the conflict, the mistrust, and the heartbreak in both characters without anyone have to shout about it or analyze it for the next three episodes. -Z

[I think we are in agreement on this too. I think that besides having to endure the Mickenses and stupid Sam/Jason plots these last few years, the main Billookie stuff has gotten annoying/boring too, so it's nice to see them separate a little. Even the scenes of Bill and Sookie were decent, since at least Sookie's finally "maturing" a bit, being able to lie right back at Bill about Eric's whereabouts. -D]

Sam and Jason’s Shoes
You know I’m bored with certain storylines on this show when I start marveling at peoples’ shoes. I noticed I liked Jason’s when he was hiding in a tree from methwolves, and I noticed Sam’s when he was talking to his love interest that no one was clamoring for. I’m starting to feel like Christian in Clueless, but I’d rather have less “nice stems” and more stories that are interesting. -D

Plots Can Move Forward
Instead of bickering with Sam week after week, Tommy actually does something! And his reunion with his mom was sort of sweet, before the inevitable double cross. Hot Shot is over (for now) and we won’t have to see Jason tied up to the bed screaming anymore! The witches actually do some stuff! Sam….meets a girl, I guess, and I don’t care, but I didn’t want to punch him once! Arlene’s baby (or that creepy fucking doll) actually did something to justify all the screeching! Moreover, there was no screeching! Hoyt and Jessica were in the episode without fighting and were useful!I think the pacing was well done this week–even though there was a lot of emphasis on some of my less-than-favorite plotlines, they mixed them together well and moved them to a more interesting point. Which is complimenting a TV show for doing what it should, but that’s where my bar is at. -Z

[I think this is where Zoe and I disagree the most. I'm glad to see Jessica and Hoyt doing something besides arguing, sure. And the show finally remembered Hoyt and Jason know each other! It could be interesting to see if Jessica and Jason bond at all now that he's tasted her blood. But man, I really don't need any more plots involving Crystal, the Mickens or Sam's ladyfriend. I like Tommy more than Zoe, and his earnest reunion with his mother was sweet, but ultimately stupid. I don't want to see Tommy's mommy back, especially if that also means the return of her stupid abusive husband. We finally escaped the dog fighting storyline of last year. Do we really need it back? Considering Crystal said she'd see Jason come the next full moon, I doubt we've seen the last of her either. Can't we just say goodbye to these characters and actually mean it? -D]

Alcide and Sookie=BFFLs
I really appreciate that right now Alcide is not part of the….square or octagon or whatever it is with Sookie, but is instead actually being a friend. I’m a big booster of friendship on this show, and I’m glad that these two actually seem to have each others backs. For now. Until Debbie tries to stab her. -Z

[I like these two as pals too. I mean, eventually I'm sure they'll act on their flirtatious friendship, but I like that Sookie is staying single for all of a few episodes, instead of jumping from bed to bed. I mean, she's still way too dependent on dudes for everything, but at least right now Alcide's just a really good friend, not necessarily the night storming the castle to rescue her -D]

Calling It Like You See It
Last episode, Jason was gang raped and this episode he talked about being gang raped. Likewise, Tara clearly labeled what happened to her last season as torture and rape. I know a lot of people like to try and dance around these terms, especially in the context of TV shows they like (looking at you Game of Thrones) so it was really wonderful to have a show point out that what something looked like, it was, and it was pretty messed up too. -Z

Everyone Was Shirtless
Self-explanatory. -Z

[More than shirtless, really. Alcide and Eric had a whole argument while naked. Jason spend a bunch of time merely draped in a blanket. I'm starting to think all the were-people were just brought on to work nudity into the plot even more. RIP Crystal's boyfriend whose name I can never bother to remember but died a naked death -D]

BITES
Sookie’s Memory
Turns out more than one person got amnesia! Because when Amnesia Eric is depressed because he didn’t get to naked wrestle–I mean, never see sunlight again–Sookie starts talking about how Normal Eric was totally happy all the time. Granted, Normal Eric was never a depressed, mopey guy, but happy? All the time? Really, Sookie? Because Amnesia Eric has already smiled and laughed more in two episodes than Normal Eric has in four seasons, so I’m calling bullshit. -Z

[Yeah, I thought this too. Old Eric isn't exactly a happy-go-lucky guy. I mean, he's not mopey, except maybe Godrick died, but he's still sort of (un)dead serious most of the time. -D]

Poor Portia
What was the point of introducing Portia to the show, besides to introduce the incest storyline and spout ridiculous lines like “I’m a lawyer, Bill!” in the heat of arguments? I hope with Bill and his ancestor Portia’s relationship over (and it better be over?), that she can focus on helping her relatives out. Surely V-addicted Andy and evil baby-afflicted Terry can use the help. -D

Bad Parenting
Seriously, would you let your kid play with a burned, rotting doll? Even if someone gave it to you as a present? Hell no! You politely thank them and ditch that shit ASPA. So why is Lil Dex still gnawing on the doll? It’s not normal, and it’s going to be worse if it turns out the doll is the root problem (also: dumb). -Z

UnPretty Pam
I get that the show needed to have Pam “go through” something and being that so many of the rest of the characters have already been sexually assaulted, I guess effing up Pam’s face was the only way to go? Why couldn’t the witches just erase Pam’s memory too? Maybe an amnesiac (but still quippy, I can’t live without my Pam bon mots) Pam could get nursed back to health by Tara, and Sookie and Tara could share in the fun of having secret vampire rendezvous? Someone get Alan Ball on the phone, so I can pitch story ideas! -D

Incest
Ok, so I found Bill’s plotline pretty amusing, actually, especially because it was incest so far removed, but good lord Hot Shot. Not only is it bad that everyone is sleeping with everyone else, but they keep calling each other “father-uncle” and “cousin-mother” and it makes me want to punch something. The only person who can say that is Buster Bluth and if you’re not him knock it off. -Z

[I think this was another "it was in the books" sort of thing that Alan Ball felt the need to place in the series, but to say that's reason enough is kind of crap. Sookie's fairy godmother is in the books more and that didn't mean anything here. Also, sometimes "it's in the book" just isn't a good enough reason. See also: Crystal. I also think Alan Ball likes the idea of having incest on his HBO shows because it's the "last taboo." Brenda and Billy had a creepy relationship on Six Feet Under and now it's rearing its head here. If nothing else is off limits, I guess Ball feels this isn't either. But groan. -D]

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments of the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Snooki and Eric
I like that the show finally found its sense of humor again this season. One of the things I loved about season one was that it never took itself too seriously. As season two and three progressed, sure there were memorable moments, but save from Pam, Eric, and Lafayette’s comic relief moments everyone else acted like they were in a vampire-infested Ibsen play. I like that amnesiac Eric thought Sookie shared the same name as a certain GTL-loving Jersey Shore cast member, and I smiled at Sookie’s ending line about Eric killing her fairy godmother. -D

[Seriously! While I remain skeptical of the likely end game of this plot, this episode played it with the perfect amount of goofiness. I'm willing to go along with anything for now, as long as Eric keeps that wonderful dumb expression on his face. -Z]

Tara, Lafayette, and Jesus Having Fun
It’s a testament to how rare it is on this show that it even needs to be noted, but how cute was that dinner? Teasing! Camaraderie! Laughter! It’s so nice to have a break from the relentless pace of people being gang-raped and vampire attacked to just see some people have fun. I only wish it happened more, and that the very fact that it happened didn’t mean one of those character is probably going to die before the season is over. -Z

Jessica Even Brightens Up Bill
Even if it’s sort of unbelievable how quickly Bill and Jessica’s de facto father-daughter relationship bloomed (though, at least it was planted long before the year flash forward, unlike the Maxine/Tommy insta-family), it was nice to see boring old Bill giving Jess some Hoyt advice… even if we knew she was going to eventually end up ignoring it anyway. Teenagers! -D

A Good Use of Arlene
I still hate Arlene and her stupid Lil Dex plot more than anything (except methwolves), but she was finally used correctly in her reaction to Jessica giving her baby a trash doll. I mean, the trash doll was great comedy throughout the episode (has it been around before? Am I not remembering something important?) but never funnier than when Terry wanted Arlene to pretend it was a great, child-appropriate gift. -Z

Debbie’s Not Dead
Ok, every time I’d tried to refresh my memory with friends about what the hell happened last season, each time we get to Debbie, no one could remember how her storyline ended. I still can’t, but I guess “SHE DIED” was not the correct answer? I’m glad that Deb ended up getting a makeover and got clean (gone is the V-addicted, mulleted werewolf of yester-season). And I’m happy Sookie was actually not an idiot for once and realized that putting Eric in a house with someone trying to recover from an addiction to his blood might be a bad idea. -D

[SO DISAGREE! Isn't one pair of methwolves enough? Ditch Debbie et. al. was the best part of the jump forward, but I guess not anymore! BOOOOOOO. -Z]

Sam and Tara
As it turns out, there are other ways to make Sam interesting than having him hang out with people naked. Even fully clothed, Sam and Tara have good chemistry, and I like that they got a few friendly (but still maybe a little flirty) minutes to catch up before Tara went running off on her Lafayette adventure. -D

Sookie, Kicking Ass
Eric was being silly when he said there was a badass fairy Sookie and then normal, human Sookie. But there is a Sookie I like a lot more than any other, and that is “I am so sick of this shit” Sookie, which we got to see a lot of this episode. From punching Eric in the face, to asking to be paid for taking care of the mess, to hearing about witches and saying”oh great, another fucking thing to deal with”, fed up and impatient Sookie is the best kind. Dumb Eric would be fantastic on his own, but paired with a Sookie who’s even remotely interesting as a character? TV gold. -Z

Finally! Wooden Bullets
Wooden bullets really seem to be picking up in popularity. First Bill and his human back-up offed the Queen with some, and now Tara’s pointing some at Pam (and did I detect a little crushing on Pam’s part as she looked down Tara’s gun?). My only question is, why didn’t Tara just point the wooden bullets at Eric last week, instead of busting out the (far less reliable) stake? I guess then we wouldn’t have a plot. But good for Tara for growing. She’s learning the Bon Temps facts of life! -D

Practical Portia
I liked Portia’s proposal for sexytime with Bill (I wonder if we’ll meet her three previous flames. Is the gay one Lafayette? Are there any other gays in Bon Temps?). And, I like that she seems to know what she wants. But oh god, please don’t have Portia turn into a love-crazy fool in like two episodes, show. Not every adult woman in a sexual relationship turns into a commitment-crazed psycho. Didn’t you see that Natalie Portman/Ashton Kutcher movie? Or that Justin Timberlake/Mila Kunis movie? Ok, me either, but either way, avoid the cliches! -D

[I know one book spoiler about Portia, which makes this whole plot very strange. Also, the only thing I care less about than Bill pretending he's a badass King is his love life. Add on the fact that the actress playing Portia played one of my least favorite Dexter character (and that's saying something), meh. Even if I appreciate her logic. -Z]

BITES
Jason and Hoyt
While it’s nice for the dudes to be the victims on this show for once (Sookie and Tara have certainly been through enough), I still feel bad for former pals Hoyt and Jason (seriously, does this show even remember these two used to be kind of besties? Or did Rene turning out to be a serial killer put a damper on their threeway bromance?). Hoyt got glamoured by Jessica (although, I’m even more nervous all of Jessica and Hoyt’s problems ever are going to be chalked up to the creepy haunted doll), and oh god, Jason got raped. Because this show hasn’t had enough rape yet? Do we remember how well that went over last season with Tara? Does this mean Jason is going to be gay next season? Or does that rule only apply to ladies for these writers? I actually do hope Tara and Jason bond even more, and start a rape survivor’s group at some point soon. Here’s hoping no one else in this damned town has to attend, though. -D

[THANK YOU! The image of Jason being gang-raped was really disturbing because, well, remember when he used to be the fun sorta dumb guy? Bring that back, show! The idea of a Tara/Jason survivors group appeals to me, but at least point the whole damn town probably has PTSD so any meeting would really just be...an episode of this show. No wonder they're all messed up. -Z]

Addicted Andy
Last week I was happy that we got to see some quality flashbacks to the previous year, but one that’s clearly necessary but so far MIA is Andy’s flashback. (Who knew I’d ever be clamoring for Andy backstory?) How the hell did the sheriff get addicted to V? I’d rather see that, and then Jason helping his policeman pal get past his addiction, over any werepanter gang-rapes, thankyouverymuch. -D

A Few Head-scratchers
The show made a point of mentioning that Eric entered the witches hangout spot. Wouldn’t one of them have had to invite him in? Are we going to find out more about that at some point? Or were the writers hoping by nonchalantly mentioning it that we’d never think about it again?

Also, Sookie couldn’t have used any of her fairy powers to try and get Eric off of her fairygodmother? The chick just admitted to helping save her life in episode one and Sookie couldn’t even try and replay the favor? Does this mean it’ll be easier to kill Sookie? Because she’s kind of a moron, as has been often established I don’t think she needs any godmother-less handicaps hurting her any further. -D

[I think since the witches met in a store, Eric didn't need an invite. And really, I'd just love any sort of consistency in Sook's fairy powers other than "deux ex machina" writing. -Z]

Fairies are the Worst
Well, at least at doing  anything. Sookie wasn’t kidding–those people are useless. The one time Sookie’s fairy godmother ever helped her was all the way back in season one? Sure, she has to avoid vampires, but what about all the werewolves and panthers and greek goddesses that have been trying to destroy Sookie’s life? What about protecting the people she cares about from being gang-raped by werepanthers so that Sookie doesn’t have to clean up that mess too? What about doing anything other than “sending some energy” into a chain once. Ugh. If the fairies get destroyed, it is probably their own fault. -Z

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments of the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Tara and Sookie Being Friends
Sure, it was for about 30 seconds, but nothing made me happier than seeing Tara and Sookie actually seem like best friends. On a show where every relationship is either about fucking, trying to fuck, or being friends that are angry and hateful towards each other. What fun! But for once we got to see two friends act the part, complete with hugs and understanding, and it was fantastic. I know Tara is universally hated, but I’m not really on the bandwagon and it was nice to see her involved in a plot that wasn’t about being shit upon for once. Best 30 seconds of the season so far! -Z

[I agree, it's nice to see Sookie and Tara as friends. I think their friendship is actually one of the most endearing relationships on the show, along with the Jason/Sookie scenes that happen approximately once every millennium. I got nervous when Tara seemed to consider Lafayette's text less than urgent last episode, so I'm glad to see Tara showed up cheery and understanding about her pal's mysterious disappearance. sort of feel like Tara's turning a corner for me as I note below, though ask me again in a few episodes.--D]

A Smarter, More Open Tara
It appears this Tara 2.0 is managing to stick for a whole two episodes now! I liked that the show had Tara clue her cousin in to her newfound same-sex relationship off-screen. It’s nice to know even though Sookie might’ve been gone, some things happened in the last year besides new haircuts for all. I imagine there will still be an eventual “coming out” scene between Tara and Sookie, but considering Sookie’s flirtations with vampires and werewolves, I hope Sookie’s less than phased comparatively.

Also, good for Tara for having a stake handy. Although, I’d argue a gun with wooden bullets would’ve been more successful. -D

RIP Queen Sophie
Bravo to True Blood for killing off arguably its biggest (or second biggest, Anna Paquin’s got an Oscar, Evan Rachel Wood just has Thirteen and a tabloid following) star. I like that the show realizes that in order to grow and move storylines along, it has to make some sacrifices. Plus, as anyone who read this column last year can attest, I was never much a fan of ERW’s weird Madonna/Johnny Depp quasi-British accent, and her ability to suck scenes dry with over-the-top-theatrics. -D

Flashbacks!
The best part of a show that features several hundred year old vampires is that you can have ridiculous, historically inaccurate flashbacks. Angel was a master of this, but True Blood is catching up with the “Bill the Punk Rocker” flashback. I’m not sure what amused me more–the use of Moyer’s real accent or the idea that Bill was ever cool–but it was a lot of fun. But not more fun than the flashback to a year ago that featured Bill wearing a wig of Bill’s hair last year. That’s the stuff that keeps me watching ever week. Well, that and giggling over how wee Bill is. -Z

[As Desperate Housewives, Lost, Brothers & Sisters, and other various ABC drama series over-reliant on the flash forward can attest, the best thing about the story crutch are the flashbacks to the unseen years that we skipped, and I think that's true here. It was nice to see how Bill faced off against the Queen, but I'm still not a fan of the way-back (well, if the 1980s can be considered way back, considering I was actually alive then) flashbacks. Did we really need Bill feasting and glamouring another human ? I guess the Nan scene gave important context, but why'd we have to endure ten minutes of fake British accents and scenes with a bartender we'll never see again to get there? -D]

Fantasia’s Bathroom Art
Obviously the focus of this scene was how Jessica is betraying Hoyt (relationships: they are always awful forever) and how Sookie being yelled at by someone is awesome, but seriously, check out how amazing this mural is. I bet Pam drew it. I love you, Pam! -Z

Tara Hating Everything
First, given the shitty time she’s had the last…however many months the first three seasons were (2?), this makes sense. Second, even though I know we all have boners for Eric, he was attacking her family and it makes sense that she would want to stake his ass. Ditto hating Bill who, you know, left her chained up to be tortured and raped by Franklin. Third, I appreciate that the hate isn’t bitter “I secretly hate myself, but I’ll hate this instead” TV hate, but rather “this shit is messed up and I’m going to call it that” hate. Right on. -Z

More Continuity
Remember when Eric chained Lafayette up, beat him, and gave him horrible PTSD? Well, I didn’t, but amazingly the show did! So glad to see the continuity trend continue, especially stuff that remember that Eric is a big, bad, moral neutral guy who’s done horrible things. It’s not all microwaves and new doors, people, and it shouldn’t be. -Z

BITES
Arlene and Her Stupid Baby
You know what I really, really don’t care about? Whether or not Lil Dexter is going to grow up and ax murder Arlene and everyone else in Bon Temps. Not when I wish he’d ax murder her now and put us all out of our misery. I don’t care about Arlene shrieking, I don’t care about Lil Dex, and I don’t care about the idea of deterministic genes. Unfortunately, I do care about Terry wearing a baby sling, so I guess I can tolerate this dumb, time-filling plot a little more. -Z

[Yeah, maybe it's because I'm reading We Need to Talk About Kevin and just got Elephant from Netflix, but I think I've reached my fill of miniature psychopaths this year. Like, is Arlene's stupid evil baby going to end up being this season's big bad? I guess he's at least more terrifying than the stupid were-panthers. I feel like Arlene's Rosemary Baby baby is just a reason to keep her and Terry in every episode. I think maybe it's time to stop trying so hard to get all the tertiary characters in every episode. See also: Andy and his V addiction. -D]

Amnesia
I know it’s from the books. I know Eric’s face was hilarious when Sookie found him. I know there will be funny lines as a result of this plot line. And that’s all good. But I also suspect it will be used to turn Eric into a do-gooding woobie with a heart of gold and a forgiveness for all the killing and lying and Lafayette torturing in his past. And I think that’s bunk. I’m fine with an evil character being redeemed, but that works a lot better when they earn it through actual redemption and effort, not because they got knocked upside the head with some Latin and now Sookie wants to give them doe-eyes. I’ve never read the books, so I have no idea of the actual outcome of this plot, but I’m not excited about the possibilities. Of course, this being True Blood, the writers will ignore all good possibilities and burn through the bad ones in an episode. So who knows. -Z

[I'm ready to go along with this storyline for a bit. If this is what finally gives Sookie and Eric some much needed make out time, without Eric proclaiming Sookie his property, I'm all for it. I hope amnesiac Eric bonds with Lafayette while he's getting his do-over. But I just fear, being familiar enough with Days of Our Lives plot-lines, that by mid-season, Eric will have his memory back and will begin faking his amnesia to manipulate poor dumbass, doe-eyed Sookie. -D]

Jason and the Methwolves
Oh, please, please, please can this plot end. I’m not sure what made me angrier: the stupid forward licking or everything else that happened, but I wanted it to end so badly. Jason is such a fun character that is consistently brought down by his dumb terrible plots featuring cracked out girls who he falls in love with for the sake of cracked out stories. Can’t he just be a nice, stupid guy who walks around shirtless? Barring that, can’t we put him back in the religious cult? I think that was the only Jason plot I actually liked and it would give him the chance to interact with Eric, possibly the greatest team-up the show can do. -Z

[Yeah this storyline is my least favorite storyline and the one I'm least pleased to see carried over from last season. While the writers have wisely jettisoned most of the stuff that didn't work. Crystal and co are back and more irksome than ever. I was hoping Jason being a cop would've meant that we'd see more of the buddy cop movie he and Andy seemed to star in last year, with Jason only popping up in Hot Shot for a few minutes a season just to remind us that he's saved the were-folk from their meth-addicted ways. -D]

Don’t Play It Again, Sam
While Sam isn’t a tertiary character like Arlene and the Bellefleurs, I still feel like he’s being unnecessarily placed in every episode even though he lacks an interesting storyline. No one cares about his newfound group of changeling pals, or his brotherly angst with Tommy. I think everyone can envision the writer’s room for the Sam/Tommy scenes. “Hm, these conversations are getting increasingly boring and repetitive. What can we do to make people care about it? Have them both be naked!” Points for that, I guess. Why do I get the feeling that when Sam found out from his other naked scene partner Luna (I had to look up her character’s name, since I cannot be paid to care) that she can turn into her family member after she killed her, that Sam or Tommy will be dead and impersonating the other by season’s end? And even the promise of that isn’t all that intriguing! The last time I cared about Sam was when he was having dreams with his vampire blood connected frenemy Bill. Why not do more with that dropped storyline? Being that Bill’s king storyline hardly seems like it’ll sustain itself over the course of the season, I think it’s time to put these two together and hopefully cancel the boring out. -D

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments of the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Jessica and Hoyt: A True-to-Life-ish True Blood Romance
I’m digging the direction that Jessica and Hoyt are going. Yep, (and yay!) these two are still together. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t weathering some problems. He’s mad she isn’t making him dinner (I thought Hoyt would be more progressive than that, but whatever), and she has a wandering vampire eye. I hope they survive! -D

[Oh man, DISAGREE! I love Hoyt and Jessica to pieces, but apparently because they were the only people on the show who weren't grumpy, pointlessly angry assholes, that had to change! I'm not going to assume too much based off a few scenes in one episode, but glle. -Z]

Bill and the Elderly
Look, I’m as much anti-Bill as anyone (so boring!) but Bill speaking at retirement centers and doing ribbon cuttings? The role he was born to play! If that was Bill’s entire plotline this year (and sadly, it’s not) I would be the happiest camper. Bill as a grumpy town council member is so much more realistic and interesting to me than Bill as angry vampire king. -Z

Pam, Vampire Advisor
I like that Pam is giving Jessica love advice (even if, sadly, that advise is to dump Hoyt, she got some good zingers in). More of this, show! -D

[Pam continues to be the best reason to watch this show (my notes from the episode: Yay Pam, boo everything else! Even her stilted reading of the Fangtasia ad bullshit was just perfect. Pam! -Z]

Continuity
Remember that bellboy from the first season? He’s back for five minutes! I have to admit, I’m a little impressed. -Z

Finally! Time Passes!
After having to suspend my disbelief that all of this stuff was happening to these characters over the course of just a number of days, I’m happy the show has finally skipped ahead a bit. -D

Lafayette’s Hair
Is awesome. Keep being awesome, Lafayette. And your boyfriend is adorable. Just get him to stop forcing you to do stuff you’re not comfortable with and I will be happy forever. -Z

Bring on the Bellefleurs!
Having some idea of characters in the books (having read the first book and an obscene amount of Wikipedia entries on the rest of the series) I’m happy to see Andy’s sister has finally shown up on screen. Maybe this lawyer can be a more fleshed out female character than most of those in Bon Temps? -D

Good for You, Tara
Even though she makes the “Bites” section too, since, well, it’s Tara, I am pleased with one thing this show did: After seeing Tara ride out of town, she has actually spent the last off-screen year out of town. Though I’m sure Tara’s non-Bon Temps time won’t last much longer… -D

[Tara not being in Bon Temps--and having an apparently lie-based, but otherwise good relationship--made me really happy. Tara is wrongly hated on, I feel, and last year got especially bad. It's nice to see her happy even if it's fleeting. -Z]

Tommy Fortenberry
Much as Tommy got kind of annoying by the end of last season, and we kind of were fine with his likely demise, I’m intrigued that he’s alive and somehow latched on to mother from hell Maxine Fortenberry. What happened to Maxine’s plan to stake Jessica? And what happened to her partner-in-crime, Hoyt’s crazy doll-loving ex Summer? Maybe Summer and Tommy can shack up and have lots of creepy babies. And then their creepy baby can grow up and date Rene and Arlene’s creepy doll decapitating kid! I demand another flash forward so we can make this happen. -D

[Thoroughly DISAGREE. The best thing about last season was that Tommy might be dead, but sigh guess not. The replacement Hoyt aspect is intriguing, though. -Z]

BITES
Time Jumps!
Time jumps are typically the arena of lazy writers trying to get plots to move forward without the work. Fortunately for us True Blood viewers, it hardly matters because it’s a year later and everyone is still arguing over the same dumb shit. Sookie may have lost a year, but save for a few job title changes, she’s going to catch up really fast. Sam still a moody dick? Check! Andy still somehow a police officer? Check! Arlene still thinking that serial killing is somehow in DNA instead of reading a damn book? Check! Eric and Bill still having a dick measuring contest over Sookie’s precious flower? Check! Lafayette still not so sure he wants to be magic, but is being forced to anyone because no one respects his boundaries? Check and check! Welcome back, Sooks.

In Louisiana Everyone Gets New Haircuts Once a Year
Ok, so we flashed forward a year, and we’re trying to signify some stuff has changed here. But, does that mean everyone have to look differently to signify this. Eric, Bill, and Jesus all look newly freshened, whether it be new do’s, or vampire/’witch chemical peels, and Jason got a dumb goatee. Although it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Jason would think he had to grow facial hair to be a serious police officer . -D

Fairyland
I’m so glad the fairy reveal was built up so much so that we could find out that fairies are…evil elves? Or something? And they feast on light? And time runs differently? I don’t expect all my questions to be answered (or, honestly, care if they are) but I’m glad they were able to waste so much time to get Sookie to cry over another person’s death. Hopefully that watch is a super important plot point! -Z

Bad Use of Good Wife Cast Members
Following in the grand tradition of recurring Good Wife judge/last season’s big bad Denis O’Hare, it’s nice to see other Good Wife familiar faces Gary Cole and Chris Butler showing up this year. But, surely they could’ve been utilized better. With Good Wife, The West Wing, and The Brady Bunch movies, Gary Cole is a big enough name to have him do more than show up as Sookie’s long-lost grandpappy, and then immediately die. What was the point of bringing him back? Just to give a watch to Jason before oops, accidentally dying? Couldn’t he have just stayed in Fairyland with everyone else? And Chris Butler didn’t get much screen time either, playing one of Sam’s weird changeling friends. Is Sam a changeling swinger now? Were they having a horse orgy (a hor-gy?) So many questions that I’m not sure I want answers to. -D

No One Understands Sookie
When Andy said to Sookie “You’re not the type of person to leave without telling no one” I laughed a lot. Isn’t that exactly the type of person Sookie is? Isn’t that exactly what she’s been doing for the last three seasons? I mean, granted, never for a year, but it’s hardly out of character. -Z

Eric Is Creepy
Isn’t he the vampire we’re supposed to like? Aren’t the writers aware there is a difference between rooting for the sexy bad boy (hot) and rooting for the creepy dude who wants to possess a lady (not hot)? I guess not, because Eric bought her house so he could own her. Awesome. At the very least, isn’t Eric savvy enough to say something charming, like Jason wanted to sell it and he didn’t want Sookie to lose it when she got back, rather than taking about owning her? Vampires! They have more time to study human behavior than anyone and yet they still really suck at it. -Z

Ugh. Tara
Last we saw Tara, she was riding off to parts unknown, with her shiny new car and her fancy new haircut. Now, a year later, Tara’s hair is grown out (I guess she got a haircut about a year too soon?), and she’s an extreme fighting lesbian. Well, sure. There were stupid blind items on stupid websites about how one of the characters was going to “go gay” (who hasn’t at this point? Well, Hoyt and Jessica, but I’m sure they’ll be having bi-curious threesomes by midseason anyway), and many speculated it was Tara because if it had been anyone more interesting the item wouldn’t have been blind. But the stupid blind items explained that it “made sense” for the character to be gay. I find it sort of offensive that the show is like, yeah, Tara got raped by a creepy vampire dude, so of course she’d be hooking up with ladies now. I wish we could have seen Tara still having issues with being intimate with someone, male or female, post-Eggs and post-Franklin, but I guess that’s too much to ask for. -D

King Bill of Louisiana
First, the reveal of this information was irritating because I had already guessed that Bill was king. And I had forgotten pretty much all of season three before the Previously On and don’t read anything about the show. This was not something that should have been presented as surprisingly. Secondly, I don’t care? I mean, I just can’t think of a way that Bill will be vampire king that won’t annoy me every week. Dark Bill is slightly more intriguing that Normal Bill, but they’re both variations on Bland. Third, the vampire political world-building on this show is generally poorly done and I don’t relish the idea of spending more time with it. Especially after watching Game of Thrones which established a political system in a fantasy world really well, I can’t see how spending any time with the Vampire Hierarchy of Huh? What? is going to increase my enjoyment of the show. -Z

Hot Shot: Still Exists
WHY????? -Z

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments of the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Tara Rocking It
Not only do I love her kicky new ‘do, but I’ve liked Tara a lot this season. I know that she’s a fan favorite to hate (which makes me go hmmmmm over the racial implications of that), and she’s often been giving the shit end of the stick, but Tara has had a good growth arc this season. And, really, given all the shit she and the town have been through in the last few months, I’m surprised she’s the only one leaving. -Z

Look in the Mirror, Bill
Look. I don’t like Bill as a person. I don’t think I’d invite him to tea anytime soon. But if the show plans of focusing in on the way that Bill is full of bullshit and also sort of creepy? I say: please continue. Not only was Sookie’s refusal of his mopey, creepy, clingy, overly-dramatic, obsessive personality a long time coming, but a thread I hope to see them continue next season. Bill needs to become self-aware and fast.

And I also want to give a thumbs up to his goofy, somewhat pathetic taunting of Russell, immediately followed by evil. Good show. -Z

The King is Dead, Long Live the King!
Phew, Russell is still around. And able to be completely badass even as he is flaking off and being covered in cement. And let’s give it up to whatever make-up person spent a long time on that “fell into the fire pit” look. I just hope this cement thing pays off in spectacular revenge. Do it for Talbot’s drained corpse! -Z

Sookie’s Not An Idiot This Week
Some weeks I wanna run from Sookie. Some weeks I want to run toward her and give her a Southern fried hug (whatever that entails… I assume some combination of grease and heart?). This week was a run toward her week. Sookie cursed at Russell, Sookie cursed at Bill, Sookie cursed at Eric. Sookie cursed at every vampire in sight. Oh and she flushed Talbot’s remains down a garbage disposal, and still had a few free minutes to flirt with Alcide. Oh Badass Sookie, why do you only come around for the season finales? Why can’t you be All-the-Awesomtastic-Damn-Time-Sookie? -D

[Sookie, except for her fairly heartless removal of Talbot, was just awesome this week. I figured she'd give everyone the finger, but she did it in a pretty awesome way. Maybe a few episodes late, but whatever. Good for you Sooks! Now find a way to actually be a friend to Tara and we'll be good. -Z]

Eric and Pam Aren’t Dead!
Much as this show broke out the unnecessary cliffhangers (left, right, and flying close to the ceiling) at least it made sure not to have foolishly gullible fans wondering all summer if Eric really was cemented for a hundred years and if Pam really had been vampire assassinated (in the words of Cher Horowitz: “AS IF!”). -D

Hoyt and Jessica: Ain’t Nothin Gonna Keep Them Apart… Probably
OK so Hoyt’s mom is probably (unnecessary cliffhanger alert!) gonna try and kill her baby bear’s betrothed, but dammit that’s next season. I’m all about the right now. Hoyt and Jessica are happily getting ready to live together. Bill and Sookie might be broken up yet again (again), but at least the best couple on this show has a year hiatus to recuperate (even if it’s probably only a hot minute in True Blood time). -D

Hey Everyone, It’s The New Tara Thorton
Like a scene fresh out of She’s All That (and considering Anna Paquin was the one to makeover Rachael Leigh Cook and then Rachael Leigh/Tara Mae literally both came down the stairs to an eager Anna Paquin… yeah like I said, fresh out of She’s All That, minus Tara’s Freddie Prinze Jr) Tara got a pretty new haircut. Good for you, Tara! -D

BITES
You Know It’ll Be Bad Again For You Soon Enough, Tara
Aw Tara, you may be traumatized until the dawn of time by every memory ever to pop into your head in the history of the world (True Blood really brings out the hyperbole), but at least you got a lovely haircut… and then promptly left town… which will last all of ten minutes. Literally. Because this is True Blood and next season will no doubt start ten minutes later and Tara will probably hit someone with her car and be traumatized. Again. And then the dead guy will come back as a zombie and they’ll have a romance, until he tries to eat her brains. Or something. No matter how her next trauma happens, Tara will more than likely not actually get to leave town. Sorry, unnecessary cliffhanger number 95, you will not fool me. -D

[As much as I like to think it would last a whole episode...yea, you're probably right. Sigh. -Z]

Have I Mentioned the Unnecessary Cliffhangers?
Lafayette’s a (didn’t we already know this? How did he not know this?) witch-in-training. Arlene’s still pregnant and haunted by the spirit of Rene. (And how long can they keep this storyline up, especially since Rene’s portrayer is the lead on FX’s new drama series Terriers?). Sookie’s gone to Fairysville. Bill is battling to the death with the Queen and her weird accent. Sam may or may not have shot his brother in the woods like a scene (literally… the season finale cliffhanger) of Breaking Bad? Am I forgetting any cliffhangers I could not care about on a show normally expert in making good cliffhangers? Oh, right… -D

[PREACH IT! Though, I wonder if some of this was just True Blood naturally ending those storylines for the season, but we're so used to cliffhangers we see them as such? That said, some of them were definitely weak and it's just...disappointing. -Z]

Hotshot: Part Deux
After being a cop no one cared about all season and a high school football hero harasser all season, now Jason gets to be unofficial mayor of Hotshot! The Bon Temps sister town no one knew existed or cared about once they found out it existed! And Crystal’s left town. For good? No, probably not for good either. That would be too kind. -D

[I can't talk about how much I don't want to see more poor white people stereotypes or Jason being mayor of Methlandia, but I guess that's the plan. Sigh. At least it's not his football plot? -Z]

Poor Population Counting
Did anyone else hear Andy say that the town was around 2,000 peope? Because I do not believe that, at all. I mean, unless the characters are constantly going to other small towns that no one mentions (which would be realistic) because I have been to towns of 2,000 people and brother, this is no town of 2,000 people. -Z

Sookie and the Fairies
I know this is a show that does cliffhangers and I know that most of the ones in the episode were sorry, but I can forgive that because they were in the middle of the episode. You don’t pull out the big guns until the end. And the big guns here were…Sookie disappearing with some Lady Gaga entourage rejects. Great. You’ve really reeled me in for next season, show! -Z

One True-ly Bittersweet Season
You know what this season needed? More orgies. Just joshin! But seriously, while Zoe and I both tired of the perpetual sexytime of season’s past, I at least thought things came together by summer 2009′s end, as almost everyone banded together to rid the town of that meddlesome maenad.

This year however, much as I waited, nothing ever meshed. Sure Russell got a little bit better once he hit his aching heart craziest, but everyone stopped caring about werewolves at the season’s midpoint, while most everyone, save from Sookie, Eric, Pam, and Bill, also stopped keeping tabs on that pesky King of Mississippi a few episodes ago too. Meanwhile, Jason was left to battle werepanther meth dealers and a high school brat, and the rest of the characters on the show were left to face.. um, their memories? Tara battled some dark days of True Blood time trauma, Sam battled a convoluted backstory, and I battled my ability to not scream at the television.

No matter, it’s at least been fun writing this with Zoë and for whoever’s out there in internetworld. While Alan Ball’s post-finale promises of vampire politic upheavals and witches (cue Ben Folds’ “You Don’t Know Me”) hardly gets my um, blood pumping, I look forward to hopefully being back here same vampire bat time, same vampire bat channel in Summer 2011! And hey, if Alan Ball can’t bring this show back from (just one more group of vampire puns, I swear) True Sucky Death, at least he’s got another HBO show for us to look forward to! -Dennis

On the one hand, this season gave me my most favorite villain of all time. On the other hand, it was packed full of lackluster plots and gave one of the more “meh” finales I’ve seen in a while. Nothing about it compels me to watch next season, especially not any of the many plot teasers.

Which is sad, because cliffhangers are True Blood’s thing. They may not be the best at plot arcs, or not having everything take place over a week, but they’re good at leaving you wanting more. And yet, sadly not this season. I’m not sure why, as most of the plots had a fair deal of steam behind them, but everything seems to have burned out a few episodes ago. It’s almost as if the writers were told they had a 10 episode order and had to scramble. Of course, I felt that way last year too.

Maybe I’m just being hard because the plots aren’t ones that are compelling to me personally. No one is saying True Blood has to be anything more than ridiculously fun—I just felt the fun got lost in the half a million characters, the not knowing what to do with Jason, and the telling but not showing.

Whatever the case, I’d like to see some continuation of themes from this season (like creepy evil Bill, Tara staying out of Bon Temps, and the outcome of Russell’s actions) go on in to next season. And I’d love to see them drop the compressed timeline for something that makes a little more sense (as in: I think at most this season took place over ten days). I’m willing to forego some cliffhangers if it means that the characters and plots get time to breathe. Don’t let me down and we’ll see you guys next year! -Zoë

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments of the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Hot Hot Hessica
Last season I remember there being some internet discussion about the role reversal in the Twilight age of having a female vampire and male human for once. Then Hoyt and Jessica broke up a few episodes later and have been sadly apart ever since. Let’s rejoice in their return! Who cares about Sookie offering herself up to Bill for the billionth time, the millisecond we got of Jessica feasting upon Hoyt was more interesting than well, everything EVERYTHING we saw in this episode. (Except the tender Eric and Pam moments, which Zoe highlights). -D

Hate-filled and Angry Sookie
Out of all the Sookie’s we’ve seen, turns out she’s the very best one. I mean, I don’t believe it for a second, but it was nice to see her dismissive “I am through with this shit” talk with Bill in the car. Bill’s desperation played nicely off of Sookie’s very justifiable bitterness and anger. I have a feeling this season is going to end with Sook’s version of “I choose me” and I can’t wait. Of course, they’ve pulled this trick on me before… -Z

Eric and Pam
In a show that seems to require that every character not just be a supernatural murderer, but also attracted to each other, I really love Pam and Eric’s relationship. It has all the hallmarks of a deep, abiding friendship with none of the bull and no forced sexual tension. Plus it highlights Bill’s utter failings as a maker, which I always like. -Z

[Yeah I like Eric and Pam a whole lot too. There aren't enough straight (albeit, occasionally gay for revenge) male/gay female friendships on TV. Are there any? More of this please! -D]

Summer’s Back
And so is Bear! I’m glad not only that America’s favorite nickname returned, but that this might not be the last of summer. And it showed us some more adorable Hoyt and Jessica (sure, this all counts as one thing) which I’m always glad for.

[I am happy this wasn't the last of Summer, or the last of her awesome nickname for Hoyt. I just wish we didn't have to encounter Maxine not to give up on the man she "loves." It was all very Passions. And I don't think this is even the first time I've negatively compared True Blood to Passions this season. If a talking doll shows up, I'm out of here -D]

[Word to that. Couldn't Summer and Jessica just become awkward and hilarious best friends? -Z]

BITES
Jesus and V
So…Jesus has gone from an adorable and principled guy to some sort of warlock with a (potential) V addiction? Great, thanks. Because what this show needed was more drug-involved characters with supernatural powers and less adorable nurses. -Z

Russell Falling for the Trap
Ok, the trap was fine, but really Russell has been around 3,000 years, you’d think he had seen through this painfully obvious ploy a little faster. But maybe I am just sad at the thought of losing my beloved Russell soon (unless Pam’s inevitable rescue also includes him.) -Z

[Yeah Russell fell for that a little too easily. Also, does anyone really think Eric is actually going to die? Anyone? I don't care if this season ends and he's still "presumed dead." Will anyone actually believe it? Besides the wayward viewers of Passions. Hey, look, another Passions reference! -D]

Merlottes, Mickens, My God Who Are They? Who Cares?
Can we write Sam and Tommy consistently from episode to episode once this season? Let me get this straight, Sam became a belligerent alcoholic OVERNIGHT? Well OK. Why? Because he happened to remember that he shot some people back in the day after his brother told him to man up? And then there’s Tommy. He’s gone from being brooding to being nefarious to being “aw Sam, I didn’t mean it, please don’t send me to bed without my dinner” in the course of three weeks. What was he doing at the end of this episode I don’t even remember? Hopefully stealing next week’s script and writing himself a new storyline. -D

[Role reversal on Tommy! While I usually don't like him. I thought his reaction to Sam this week was very much in line with his past as an abused kid. Sam was being abusive and Tommy reacted the way a lot of abused people do. It made sense to me. Less sense: what's his stealing. I think it's the Merlotte's safe? Whatever. -Z]

Uh, Sookie?
To “not be a waitress anymore” I think one first has to show up for work, like, ever. Consider this latest kidnapping your exit interview from Merlotte’s. -Z

Jason Stackhouse Night Lights
Seriously, the football storyline is back? Who thought this was a good idea to keep bringing back? Jason hates a high schooler for breaking a record? I don’t care if he’s taking V. I don’t like him on the V. I do not like him on my TV. I would not like him with green eggs and Sam. -D

[Oh my god, I hated this SO MUCH. Yeah, not a fan of Bon Temps McCoy (about as much of a fan as I am of the original McCoy) and so this was awful. Like, unless Jason murders that guy in the face, I do not care. -Z]

Communal Tara
Remember when Eggs died and then for the next week Tara sucked face (among other things) with everyone in sight? She jumped into the sack with Franklin because her heart was dead and bla bla bla. Then the poor girl got imprisoned and sexually assaulted. Then she got out. And promptly made out with Jason Stackhouse until he told her he killed her boyfriend from last week, she got bummed out, got drunk, and slept with Sam. Alan Ball has joked that next season will take place with every one in therapy. Can we at least put Tara at the front of the line? Because I don’t think that support group with Holly had the desired effect. -D

Sookie: Still a Dumbass
Sookie, if you’re going to continue to be an idiot, you’re not allowed to hang out with vampires. You see, vampires are bad people yes. But apparently, the MINUTE you assume they’re trying to kill you (again) they probably, actually have a plan to save you (again). -D

[In fairness to Sookie (WORDS I NEVER SAY) Bill and Eric are huge dicks who need to maybe try harder to tell her that they are doing good things. Like, seriously, how hard would it be to give her some information for once? Otherwise it's sort of hard to distinguish killing for helping. -Z]

More Useless Crap Please!
I’ll take as much Hoyt and Jessica as possible, but did anyone else get the impression that True Blood was mostly treading water this week? You know when Arlene’s predictable (and prolonged) Rosemary’s Baby storyline is one of the most prominent storylines in the episode, this episode ain’t going much of anywhere. And Arlene’s Rene baby drama wasn’t even half bad compared to most everything else: All the aforementioned stuff (Jason and the football hero, Sam and Tommy), plus Jason and Crystal, Summer and Maxine colluding on a front porch. Even Lafayette wasn’t doing anything interesting. That’s a baaad sign. Hey, why not spend a half hour watching a retired Bud Dearborn wax his hardwood floors? I think that make a good addition to this penultimate pinata loaded full of filler! -D

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments for the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Hoyt Punching Tommy
It’s basically already been said, but it should be reiterated. This was like the show rewarding me for sitting through all of Tommy, from his terrible angst to his classy “That gives me wood” lines. God bless you, Hoyt. -Z

Jason and Tara: BFF’s
Ok, so there’s a clear sexual undertone, but I always bought Jason and Tara as friends more than I bought Sookie and Tara as friends. An frankly, it was nice to see the two of them get some alone time to talk to each for the first time since, oh, first season. -Z

[I like Jason and Tara time, especially since it means less Jason and Crystal time. Still seems kind of short-lived now that Jason up and confessed to killing her last boyfriend --D]

Sam in a Suit
The show has always hinted at the idea that Sam had a cool backstory and it turns out (as Dennis explores below) his backstory is apparently everyone’s backstory. But it was nice to see him in something other than Merlotte’s duds, even if he was predictably clueless. -Z

Sookie and Eric Making Out
Ok, it’s pandering. But it’s pandering I can get behind. Even if it ended in even more violence against women/Sookie/next week Sookie will be saved by Bill again. -Z

Jason Not Being Stupid and Also Mean to Bill
Jason is one of my favorite characters, but particularly in episodes like this where it’s less about him being the comic relief or having some absurd dream about law enforcement and more about him being human. I like that Tara called him on his dumb act, that Sookie and him seemed like siblings who cared about each other, and that he shoved Bill out of his house. A little nuance goes a long way with Jason and it worked perfectly this week. -Z

[I feel like people tell Jason he's not as dumb as he looks every so often, and then he goes back to being an idiot. Maybe he really IS as dumb as he looks, and maybe Jason, and the writers, need to stop fighting it? --D]

Revelations!
Hey look, some stuff happened. Lots and LOTS of stuff. Jason told Sookie, then Tara he killed Eggs! Tara told Sookie she was raped! Arlene told Terry the kid ain’t his! Sookie’s a fairy! Crystal is a werepanther. This being the third to last episode of the season it’s probably about time some reveals finally started occurring (why they all had to happen in one hour and not spread out over the season is beyond me, but I’ll take what I can get). -D

Pam!
“Blah blah vampire emergency blah.” Oh Pam, you slay me. Get it!? Because she’s a vampire? Luckily Pam’s wittier than I am. -D

Hoyt Mans Up
Hoyt finally dumped Summer (considering he confessed he hated her last episode, that took a little long), reminded Jessica for the billionth time that he loves her just the way she is, and then punched a deserving Tommy in the face. Ok, so he ended up getting mauled by the bulldog version of Tommy, but even that got him closer to Jessica. Also, that might’ve been the last we’ve seen of poor Summer for awhile (though Jason DID love her biscuits), but at least she didn’t leave without calling Hoyt “Bear” repeatedly. Hoyt may not get a love of antiquing or dolls from his short-lived Summer relationship, but I hope that nickname sticks. -D

[Bear was a great nickname and her telling Hoyt was a "sexual person" was also choice. I'm all for Hoyt and Jessica 4evah! but I hope Summer's able to stick around. -Z]

Steve Newlin
Zoe and I have discussed before that it seems the shows finds it necessary to off the big bads on this show at the end of their seasons (Rene, Maryann, if I had to guess Russell), so it was nice to see Steve Newlin, season 2′s secondary antagonist alive, and still smarming it up in his cameo tonight. I wish Anna Camp’s Sarah Newlin could also return (she had better chemistry with Jason than, ugh, Crystal), but Camp was on Mad Men tonight instead. Those Newlins are all over Sunday night TV! -D

9021-gigolo
It was nice to see nu90210′s Michael Steger as Russell’s doomed prostitute companion. Considering I always thought Theo Alexander (Talbot) was on 90210 (he wasn’t) at least now an actual cast member from the CW spinoff has show up here. Steger’s Naveen may not be the male character going gay this fall on 90210, but well, he got to here. Though, I can’t imagine if he had on 90210, it would’ve ended so bloody (oh good, more blood puns!) unfortunately. -D

BITES
Flashbacks
In Entertainment Weekly’s review of True Blood earlier this season, it noted that “Flashback scenes just take up valuable time we could be spending in the present” and I think that’s grown even more true as this priority-confused season has progressed. This is the third-to-last episode of the season and you’re subjecting me to Old School Sam killing some people? Just like viking Eric and and the “good” old days of Bill and Lorena, no one cares. Get back to 2010 (or whatever year this time-confused show is in these days). Another reason I could care about Sam’s murdering past? See below -D

Everyone’s Super and SuperHomicidal
If this show has taught me anything this week, it’s that as it turns out, everyone on this show is supernatural in some way. Sookie turned out to be a fairy (and Jason is at least partially descended from them), Holly’s a witch, Crystal’s a werepanther, and apparently Jesus and Lafayette (and thusly I guess, Tara) are descended from sorcerers. Is there anyone on this show that’s not super in some way? And furthermore? Has anyone not killed someone or at least tried to? Jason killed Eggs and Franklin. Tara tried to bash Franklin’s brains in. Eric staked Talbot. Sam shot some flashback lame-os. You know why we don’t care about your secret past Sam? Because your secret is everyone else on this show’s not-so-secret secret too. -D

[Yea, like everyone's PTSD, this seems a bit much. Especially because by this point everyone's so used to this stuff that it seems silly that people work so hard to conceal it. I mean, how much of Hoyt's balls could Sam have saved by telling people him and his brother can become dogs? How much boring Crystal plot could we have missed if she had just fessed up to Jason right away? -Z]

Creepy Tommy
Zoe and I have thus far disagreed on Tommy, but this show sure isn’t making it easy for me to like him anymore. Sure Tommy always was a little bit screwed up, but I thought the whole thing was that Tommy actually had some good in him unlike his messed up parents? Now he’s stealing Arlene’s tip money and trying to tear Hoyt to shreds to get to Jessica? -D

[Having always found Tommy a bit creepy, I'm ok with this, but also bored. Like, for a show about vampires trying to integrate into human society there's a lot less "struggling against your darker instincts" than you'd think. It seems people like Tommy do that for half a second and then go right back to being dark. Meh. -Z]

Where’d the Confusing Vampire Hierarchies Go?
Not like I’m missing all the kings and queens and magisters and shadowy figures sitting in front of a television screen, but was there a point to all of Russell’s machinations? Now that he’s gone nuts, all he seems to be doing is killing gigolos. Once Russell had dreams of taking over the world, now he just dreams of his dead husband. That’s rough, Russ. -D

[Yea, I loooooooove me some Russell, but he was pretty meh this week. I guess it's hard to top last week's exit and I guess he needed to work through Talbot's death but come on! Let's have our head to head battle with him an Eric already. -Z]

Jesus and Lafayette Trip Balls
I love Jesus. I love Lafayette. I do not like the drug cam the way Alan Ball does. And while it was sort of nice to get some background, I mostly hated the exaggerated highness of it (I guess V is peyote now???) and frankly, I’m fine with Lafayette having some magic or whatever, but it’s dull to see it arduously explained. -Z

[Yeah, couldn't Jesus just have TOLD Lafayette that they both came from magic families? -D]

The New Mystery of Bill
Yay, much was revealed this week (finally!) Boo to the new “mystery” of why Sookie can’t trust Bill. Especially boo because it’s likely just: Sophie-Anne wanted him to procure you and also his creepy file on your family. We already know those things show! Why can’t you let people talk like people sometimes? -Z

[Yeah, seems to me anyone with half a brain could've figured out the rest of the Bill mysteries. Last I checked, unlike sweet, dumb Jason, Sookie actually had half a brain. -D]

Sam’s Two Rules
What kind of asshole bans dancing at his bar? What the hell, Sam!? -Z

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments for the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Crazy Russell
Now Zoe and I have differed thus far on Russell (I could be found muttering “it should’ve been you, Russell” after Talbot got staked last week) but I enjoy Russell now that he’s in mourning and even more unhinged, wandering around with his manfriend’s blood in an urn, and tearing out people’s spines on the news. -D

Lafayette’s Mom
Speaking of nuts, I think I’m on record as saying I think Lafayette’s mom is delightful. She seems to love Lafayette in her own crazy way, pointing out the lovely glow he had, and uttering the phrase “maybe god loves f*gs.” Amen to that. -D

[See, I feel like Lafayette's mom is both awesome, but also maybe one "crazy black lady" too many on this show. Alfre Woodard is fantastic, though. So. We'll see. -Z]

Eric, Pam, and Nan
We got some quality Eric and Pam time, thanks to being sequestered by Nan and friends, and hooray for that. (Although, why did Nan have to set up temporary coffins? It’s their business establishment, wouldn’t they have coffins there already?). I enjoyed Nan told Eric to stop being a little bitch. -D

Angry Sam
Yet another reason to be thankful for Tommy, someone finally told Sam to man up and he gave (ugh) Crystal’s father the beating he so richly deserved. Can’t Sam go to the East Dillon of Bon Temps and beat up EVERY ONE now? Please? -D

Jason
Oh one hand I was happy Jason and his wooden bullet gun (hey show, way to remember something from one week to the next! Continuity!) took care of Franklin. On the other… -D

Good Villainy
I’ve made no secret of my love of Russell this far (the campier the villain, the better, in my book) but I also want to highlight something else that makes Russell (and others) great villains: he’s not wrong. Sure, his final speech was just a “screw you” to the American Vampire League, but can you dispute what he said? Likewise, why would thousand year old immortals to submit anything as controlling as The Authority? His camp is his selling point, but it’s also nice when a show offers you a villain you want to side with. -Z

Rape Support!
I’ve been digging the crap out of Tara this season, so I was pleasantly surprised (and really happy) when she went to a rape support group. So many fans seemed to want to wave away Franklin’s crimes with “he’s so funny!” and “I hate Tara” and it’s nice for the show to force the point that, you know, as funny as his speed texting was, the dude was still a rapist and an abductor. And if that wasn’t enough, new waitress Holly got to talk about a rape that was like most rapes–done by someone she knew. Thumbs up True Blood, for being accurate and letting one of your characters get help. -Z

I enjoy that Eric wear classy, colorful sweaters and button downs when he’s doing gay for pay-off, but upon coming home immediately changes into the wife beater and relaxed fit pants befitting a strip clbu owner. -Z

‘Bout Time, Sooks
Man, it’s been three seasons, but we finally get Sookie pointing out that she’s not inherently Bill’s Damsel in Distress and it’d be nice if he started viewing her as a person, not a precious jewel. It’s maybe a bit late for this talk (I, for example, would do it pre engagement) but it’s appreciated. -Z

[I feel like Sookie's had versions of this speech before, which is even more insulting because then she turns around AND IS BILL'S DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. But the Debbie beat down does do a little to rectify this. Besides the fact that again I say, she didn't actually shoot Debbie --D]

[Ok, true. But I feel like, maybe (hopefully) Bill actually freakin' got it this time. I am sure the show will crush my dreams, though. -Z]

BITES
The Authority
I don’t get the obsession vampire-based works have with creating large, central papacies for their vampires. I mean, I guess because in real life we’re all so into what goes on with the Popes and the Cardinals!? Seriously, not only doers The Authority bother me on a meta-level, they also appear to be really, really boring. Webcams? Some faceless dudes sitting in front of a giant monitor? Snooze. Wake me up when they start carrying around urns of their dead husbands. -Z

Bill: Dumb
He started a file on Sookie because he wanted to know why Eric was so interested in her? Uh, maybe because she’s hot and he’s attracted to her? -Z

Fairyland
Seriously, they shit looked like something out of Cleopatra 2525. I’m not saying everything needs amazing special effects (I appreciate the good werewolves and awesome vampire explosions just fine), but if you’re not going to make it look amazing could you make it look less…12 year old girl-ish? -Z

Just Tell Her Already!
We get it. Sookie isn’t human, She’s strange and beautiful and can read minds. I am sick of them delaying information about her. For cripes sake, her cousin has time to get Sookie to see if her son is a mind-reader, but not enough time to by like “Oh, bee tee dubs, you’re a ___!”? Pffft. I’m all for mysteries and cliffhangers, but come on. -Z

[Yeah they're really drawing this out. Further proof that this was a filler episode. They teased the HELL out of Sookie's mystery all episode and STILL didn't reveal it. We only have like 4 episodes left in the season, let's get movin, yo -D]

Hot Shot
So Andy is just going to go in and arrest everyone for living in a certain area of town? That seems illegal, right? Like…very, very illegal. Where’s the Louisiana ACLU when you need them!? -Z

Poor Tara
I assumed that might not have been the last we saw of Franklin (can you kill a vampire by braining him?) but thought in the grand scheme of the show, I wish Franklin’s first death would’ve been his last. It would’ve been better to have vampire rape victim Tara kill her assailant than some other dude. Which brings me to my next point… -D

All the Single (Dimensional) Ladies
Ok so let me get these straight. There are the perpetual damsels in distress of this show, namely Tara and Sookie (though she did open a decent-sized can of whup ass on Debbie last week, IF ONLY SHE HAD KILLED HER). Then there are the two strongest female figures, Pam and Nan, who appear to be lesbians. Are we really relying on tired feminist stereotypes? At least there’s Jessica. She’s pretty strong, Oh wait, there she is crying over Hoyt. Again. -D

I Want My Ear Drums Back
I realized this show relies way too heavily on ladies screaming to end an episode, a season, or other assorted cliffhangers. This week it was Ginger screaming over one thing or another right before the credits. Ginger spends most of her time at Fantasia. She really shouldn’t be so easily phased by Eric being silvered at this point. -D

[I've never really been sure why they keep Ginger around. I mean, surely there are lots of young, hot women dying ti hang around some vampires? You probably wouldn't even need to brainwash them so much. -Z]

Crystal (Times Infinity)
Good god, did we have to devote so much of this episode to this storyline? Every time I turned around I felt like we were back to her. Oh look the Summer/Hoyt/Jessica/Tommy quadrangle is on. Wait no, a minute is all the time we have for that because we have to get back to Crystal. No, we REALLY don’t. -D

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments for the latest episode of True Blood.

BLOODY GOOD
Talbot
I’ve made no secret of my love of Russell, though Dennis disagrees, but a big part of that love is due to his hilarious, wonderful marriage to Talbot. I mean, a few hundred years of having the same fights about the drapes wears on anyone, but Russell and Talbot managed to strike a good balance between pissy old married couple and people who genuinely care about each other. Sure, Eric was temptation, but that holds for most everyone in the True Blood universe, Alas, as part of his revenge Talbot had to go. Fare thee well, Talbs. I’ll miss your blood ice cream most of all. -Z

Shirtless, Naked Fan Service
Each week I think this show can’t get gayer and each week it proves me wrong. And let this be evidence to anyone who thinks that being too explicit about homosexuality (especially male homosexuality) will lose you viewers–I don’t know a single True Blood fan who isn’t lapping this up–myself included. While Lafayette and Jesus manage to bring the sweet, it’s Eric’s ad Talbot’s deadly tryst that was something to write home about this week. -Z

Shit’s Coming Together
I know, I know, there are four more episodes. But with Talbot’s death, it seems like whatever Eric’s plan to get back his shiny, shiny crown is (Kill Russell, Wear crown, Look melancholy at Fangtasia while wearing crown?) coming together. I’m sure it will take a bit, but unlike last years constant, dull orgies it’s nice to see a season-long arc that’s engaging, instead of just full of engaging people. -Z

Eric: A Terrible Stripper
Eric’s dour, expressionless face as he “took off his clothes” for Talbot cracked me up. You’d think a guy who worked for hard for this seduction–a guy who owns a strip club–would know a thing or two about selling it with a smile (or even just a smeyes), but I guess not. -Z

Continuity!
Hello Jason’s Fellowship of the Sun gear! It’s nice of you to remember that your plot existed. -Z

Rene!
One of my favorite characters in season one was Bon Temps’ ragin’ (fake) cajun, so it was a bummer that he turned out to be a serial killer, and then a killed off serial killer at that! So it was nice for him to show up in Arlene’s dream (with cajun accent still in tact). As long as Arlene’s Rosemary’s Baby subplot doesn’t take up too much time each week, and gives us further glimpses of of Rene, I’m a-OK with that, cher. –D

Stackhouse Family Reunion
With Gran and Uncle Bartlett offed in season 1, there aren’t many Stackhouses left, so it’s nice to see Hadley (who we saw glimpses of last season and last week) finally get to come to Bon Temps, find out her Gran had died, and have a revealing scene with Sookie. –D

Bill and Jessica in The Matrix
Bill went all Morpehus to the Neo that is his baby vampire Jessica, and trained her to do some fancy, fast, gravity-defying fighting which was fun (that sentence needed more f’s). Also, this lead to one of the episode’s MANY quotables, where Jessica says “no way” and Bill says “way.” It’s the funniest thing Bill’s done since he discovered the Wii in season 2. Speaking of this episode’s copious quotes… -D

The Humor!
I’ve lamented that, save from Jason, there hasn’t been enough comic relief this season, and while this episode moved the plot along at a breakneck pace (yay!) it also had some good lines along the way. Tara told Alcide to “flirt some sense” into Sookie! Hoyt, towering over a snarling Tommy called him “little buddy” (seriously, as Sookie standing next to Alcide or Russell standing next to Eric reminded me, the height differences on this show are quite staggering). Lafayette’s mom’s salty but hilarious quote about what sort of characters are on TV! Talbot telling Eric “I’m bored, take off your clothes” (sometimes this appears to be the motto for the show’s writers, not that anyone’s complaining!). Hell, even Debbie had a funny little Big Bad Wolf reference before busting down Sookies door. You know it’s a good week when even Debbie makes the good list (did she do something different, less white trashier to her hair this week?). -D

More RIPs
I like that this show apparnetly introduced so many characters so that it had more people to kill in any given episode. Cooter, Lorena, and the Magister died last week, and this week it’s poor Talbot’s turn. Still there could be worse ways to die than getting (double entendre alert!) staked by Eric Northman. -D

BITES
Crystal Clearly Boring
Jason’s back to spending time with Crystal. Um, we already have Sookie, do we really need another damn damsel in distress on this show? I’m a bit familiar with Crystal’s backstory in the books, I’d just wish they’d GET THERE already. -D

(UGH. Crystal’s entire plot could just be a text screen reading METH METH METHY METH METH METH WHITE TRASH STEREOTYPES METH. It’s at least be faster. -Z)

[Get it? Her name is Crystal and she cooks meth!? Screw you, Crystal. -D]

Bill and Sookie ReReReReRe-United
Sookie tells Bill they can never be together. He pouts bloodily. She looks through the lamest effing photo album of their coupling (seriously, if even your relationship specific photo album is boring, that’s probably a sign). Then he saves her for the 91st time from near death, and then they do it on a floor. Wash. Blood Rinse. Repeat. Ain’t love grand? –D

(I grew so, so hopeful for a second, only to have it whisked away. I kind even enjoy that their relationship is taking a dark turn, because the show has enough of that. And I’ve had enough of Bill and Sookie. Also, why would you even make a photo album that has one photo!? -Z)

Tara and Sookie’s Friendship
For a show that is theoretically about human relationships, True Blood can be really bad about friendship. Sookie and Tara never seemed like that great of friends. Good acquaintances, maybe, but not best friend. Frankly, Sookie seems to focus everything on her and so it’s no surprise that Tara’s many and real issues get lost in that. For a brief moment I thought that was changing this week, only to have it end with another fight and storm out. Pfft. -Z

Everyone’s PTSD
It seems like there are few people in Bon Temps who don’t have traumatic baggage to deal with and, frankly, it’s starting to get a little unrealistic (ok, it continues to be unrealistic) that no one is seeking out so good old fashioned therapy. Maybe next season one can show up and help everyone deal with their violent, dark lives. It’s sorely needed. -Z

Alcide and Sookie’s Non-Moment
Ok, I’ll admit–after a few nice moments last week, I was hoping Tara and Alcide would become a thing. Instead we get fairly forced, boring flirting with Sookie. The Bill/Eric/Sookie love triangle works because, well, Sookie hs chemistry with Eric. Adding Alcide in not only doesn’t make sense, it falls flat. He’s a nice guy saddled with a pointless plotline and one liners at a woman he doesn’t seem to like that much. Pass. Let’s get Tara her sexual healing instead. -Z

[I didn't necessarily notice the show planting seeds of a Tara/Alcide romance, but I'll sure as hell welcome one. You're right, Sookie has enough suitors as it is, and meanwhile Tara has one that's dead and another that was oh yeah, crazy, then dead. --D]

Stereotype City
Bringing back Lafayette’s mom just reminded me that out of the three black women on this show, two are crazy and one has sever emotional trauma. Plus one is an alcoholic. I get that the show is hardly realistic or gentle with anyone, but can we get some less stereotypical people of color in Bon Temps!? Or more than 5? -Z

Each week Dennis and I assemble a list of our favorite (and least favorite) moments for the latest episode of True Blood.